How to talk to your white kids about race

A few Saturday evenings ago, I was driving home with my family from a birthday celebration. Our youngest wanted to sit next to Daddy, but he isn’t old enough to sit in the front passenger seat so my husband sat in the back with him while I drove, seated next to our oldest son, who is 15.

True to my nature, I was speeding. I have a lead foot. Always have. Red and blue lights flashing in my rearview mirror, I pulled over. Immediately, my oldest became anxious. Fidgeting, he asked “Mom, why are you getting pulled over?” I told him I was sure I was speeding and everything would be fine. The officer approached the passenger side to safely stay out of traffic, flashlight pointed directly into the vehicle where my son was seated. I asked my son to roll down the window and after conversing with the officer for a few moments, asked him to reach into the glove box for the car registration. His hands shaking, he handed it to the officer. When the officer walked to his vehicle, I calmly reassured my kids that we were fine, that Mommy wasn’t following the rules and it was the officer’s job to keep everyone on the roads safe.

When the officer returned, he was incredibly gracious, handing us 3 pencils & 3 stickers, one for each of my children. A gentle reminder to slow down to keep my precious cargo safe and a sendoff. Traffic stop complete. No warning. No ticket. A pleasant exchange that I’m grateful for, in part because of my son’s anxiety in the moment.

Why do I tell you all of this? Well, because you should know that I am white. My children are white.

And you should also know that my 15 year old son, after having some time to come to terms with his own anxious heart, came to me later that night and said this, “Mom. I was really nervous when you got pulled over tonight. I didn’t know he would walk up to my side of the car. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing and I was worried I would say the wrong thing.” I assured him this was normal, especially at his age, with very limited interactions with police officers. He went on to say, “I can’t stop thinking that if we were black, that would have been so different. I wouldn’t be worried about what to say as much as I would be worried about getting shot and not coming home to you and Dad.”

I wouldn’t be worried about what to say as much as I would be worried about getting shot and not coming home to you and Dad.

That one was a gut punch. He’s not wrong.

You see, we have tough conversations with our kids and they know our door is always open. Conversations around policing and the current state of race affairs in the country aren’t happenstance in our household. We check in with our kids regularly about the things they are hearing, learning and seeing.

Now, you might be asking yourself “How did you respond?”, but I’d like to challenge each of you to think through how YOU might respond or begin a conversation. Unless your children aren’t having play dates, never leave your home, or you have no electricity, I can assure you that they are hearing about the contention in our country currently. As parents, it’s important to help shape that narrative in safe, productive ways that foster understanding and encourage dialogue.

Here are some things to consider when talking with our white children about the news coverage of the Black Lives Matter movement and racial disparities in the US:

1. First, let’s establish that we have biases. All of us do. You do. I do. All of us. Harvard University has an amazing tool you can use to examine your own biases and I encourage you to take 10 minutes and use their learning exercise for your personal growth journey. You can find it here:

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html If your children are older, you can encourage them to take the test, too.

• Let them lead. Open the conversation asking what your child has heard and how they are feeling about what they’ve heard about the racial tension or Black Lives Matter movement. This will help you gauge where they are and how their opinions are being developed (trust me, they have an opinion. Our biases are innate). Associating feelings with the topic helps children understand how to respond to their gut when they’ve found themselves in conversations about race or confronted with racism.
• As Christians, we fundamentally believe that we are all created perfectly in the image of God, equally loved and valued by God (Genesis 1:27). God cares about how we treat one another. Ask them to help you define how we treat others knowing this. How does it change the way we see others? How we speak to them? How we care for them?
• Make space for diversity in your home. Buy children’s books with diverse skin colors, abilities & traditions. Watch tv shows with diverse characters. Invite neighbors and friends over to teach you about their faith traditions. Volunteer at a mission partner where your family will meet and talk with those different from you. When we understand that diversity is a gift, we don’t experience fear of the unknown.
• Model allyship. Your cousin may tell an offensive joke at dinner. Step into the gap and kindly say “I’m not sure why that’s funny” or “That’s inappropriate.” Your instinct may be to avoid the confrontation, but what you DON’T say in front of your children says just as much as what you do say. See a person being harassed in the store? Step in and ask if they need your help. Stand with them or walk them to safety. Your kids are watching and learning, are you telling a story you want them to live out as adults too?
• Know that you won’t get it right all the time and that’s ok. We’re fallible humans and we may not have all the answers or do the right thing each time. Do the next right thing, even if your voice shakes. Encourage your children to do the same. Assume a posture of listening and growing. If you’ve harmed someone in word or deed, apologize and ask how you can do it differently next time.

Above all else, leave space in your home for your children to ask questions and express opinions. You may not know the answer and it’s ok to say “I’m not sure, let me get back to you about that after I do some reading & learning.” If your children are older, it’s entirely possible they will teach you as much as they will learn from you. The goal is not to agree 100% of the time, but to learn and grow together to make the world a more just, equitable, safe place for all as Jesus would command us to do.