My word for 2020

During the last worship service of 2019, our pastor had us do an exercise as a congregation. He asked us to consider two things. One word that would represent what we would leave in 2019 and not bring into the new year. The other? One word representing something that would lead us into 2020.

As a congregation, we grabbed the note pads & pencils from the back of the pew and took some time to pray over what those things may be. We first wrote the thing we released in 2019. We prayed and claimed that we weren’t carrying that into the new year. It could be a bad habit, a concern, whatever we chose. One word. Release it. Then, a team came around with trash bags so we could physically “throw away” something symbolic to remember we no longer carried that burden with us.

Then, after some prayer, we were to each write one word of our choosing that we would bring into the new year. One word of our choosing.

As I sat next to my husband and children, praying, hearing their deep breaths and centering myself right into that moment, God gave me a word. One I wouldn’t have chosen myself, which is why I now it was his little nudge. The word? WORTHY.

“God? You sure? There’s a bunch of other words I can think of.”

“Peace?” No.

“Rest?” No, my child.

“Consistency?” No.

“Patience. Patience, Lord. I always need more of that.” No, he replied.

And suddenly, I’m frustrated, right? Because the word worthy makes me a little uncomfortable in the moment. I don’t want THAT word.

“I’m confident, Lord, in you and in myself. I don’t know why worthy would be THE word for 2020.”

Eyes closed, I reminded myself that sitting in that discomfort is the key to really hearing what He says. So, I take a deep breath. Then, another one. The word bouncing around like a pinball in my head. WORTHY. WORTHY. WORTHY. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I’m listening, Lord.

I write it on my torn piece of paper and continue to ask God to reveal what that word might mean for me in 2020. That strip of paper growing sweaty in my palm, here is where I felt my spirit land…

You are worthy, not because of anything you can do, Heather. Not for how well you do all the things with all the people with all the love. Not even for how you seek to draw near to me. Not for the ministry you’re growing or the relationships you’re building in my name. Heather, you are worthy because I created you. In my image, I created you.

“I know that, Lord. I do” I pray. “But what does that have to do with a word that I carry into 2020? I’m your child. I seek to live my life as Jesus would. I am faithful.”

And then this hit me like a train….

I felt God ask me, “Then, why don’t you take care of yourself?”

Y’ALL. My first honest thought? SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. (My God can handle curse words. I don’t want to hear about it.)

Lord have mercy. The conviction in my heart. Jesus, draw near. I felt hot tears well up in my eyes.

And I felt him continue to speak to me, saying this:

“Heather, I created the person you are. I know you love taking care of others. I see you seek out the people who feel left out, underrepresented, unloved. I see how you pour every ounce of yourself into your ministry. Into your family. Into being vulnerable & open and affirming. I placed those gifts inside you. Your empathy. Your compassion. Your heart for justice. But, Heather, I don’t see you pour nearly enough into yourself. You are so busy helping everyone else that you sometimes forget that you are worth that much energy. That much time. That much commitment, too.”

And I let that settle for a minute before I open my eyes again. I’m not talking people pleasing. I’ll tell you where to go and how to get there, should the occasion arise. Rather, it’s about making sure everyone else is ok. I’m not ok until everyone else is ok. I will bend and twist myself into a pretzel sometimes if it means someone has a friend. Knows someone is thinking about them, remembers them, knows them, knows their name. And I don’t want to change that. I desperately want people in my sphere of influence to see Jesus in me and know that I am fiercely & fearlessly in their corner.

And yet.

Self care is not my strong suit. It can be confusing to take care of myself when my natural inclination is to care for others. I don’t say that to pat myself on the back. I honestly am the person who wakes in the morning and takes inventory of others’ needs. It might be my husband’s. My kids’. My friends’. And then, I get to work. Meet the need. Do the thing.

Let me pause here. Please hear me. There’s nothing wrong with this.

Nothing wrong UNTIL….

I stop caring for myself along the way. When I choose to take care of others INSTEAD OF taking care of me.

I felt God’s gentle nudge of “You’re worthy of all of that, too. For yourself.”

It’s not a reflection of anything other than how I prioritize my own well being. I have many needs met by many people I love and am in relationship with. But there’s those things that make me light up, that make my heart race that I want to make space for, too. Things I need to do myself to draw from the well. Things I don’t make time for when I am consumed caring for others’ needs.

And it can feel so righteous to put myself last. To know I’m not a selfish person and want the best for others. Yet, that takes its toll.

I remember when I first met my husband and we had been dating just a few weeks. We were laughing & joking together about things we do & don’t like. I made a dramatic moment out of it, setting him up for the joke, when I said, “well, there’s this one thing I never like to hear. One word. You can’t say it. It’s just offensive.” He asked what word it was and I replied, “No. I don’t like the word, no.” Now, I’m chuckling as I write this because of how true that statement is and how hilarious that is to say to someone I’ve just started dating. I also know he’s gotten really creative with reigning me in when needed without the word “no”. (Insert alllll the prayers for this man here. He’s a saint.)

But I thought of that moment when God and I were chatting. I don’t like the word no. It’s true.

But in this context, I really heard God telling me “stop telling yourself no so you can say yes to something or someone else.”

Stop telling yourself no so you can say yes to something or someone else.

Stop cleaning the house feverishly when you’re going on 5 hours of sleep because, damn it, I WILL be productive and get something done on the to do list. Take a nap, for crying out loud.

Stop bending your boundaries because that person really IS a good person with a good heart. They are. That boundary is in place for a reason.

Stop expecting that other people will do the things you do with the energy & passion you do them. They’re not you. They’re them. Created in His image, too.

So, I remind myself today…

I am not worthy because I can do things.

I am not worthy because I am a mother or wife.

I am not worthy because I have some special gift that’s mine alone.

I am not worthy because I am selfless or make sacrifices.

However,

I AM worthy of taking up space. And not giving a damn who that may irritate.
I AM worthy of friendship that doesn’t come with strings. And doesn’t drain me.

I AM worthy of asking for what I need. And for asking for more time to figure out what that is.

I AM worthy of taking care of myself. And not apologizing for it.

Because when I take care of myself, I am soooo much better at taking care of others. That’s part of my DNA. No way around it, under it, over it. But damn it, so am I. I am worthy.

What word can you carry with you in your heart this year? How will it guide your intentions?