On both sides of the AND

It’s not you. It’s me.

No one got a Christmas letter this year from us this year. No cute photos of my kiddos posed together. No vacation shots to remind us of warmer days. No letter about how much my husband likes his job, how the kids are doing in school…blah blah blah. Not that I am not proud of those things, because I am!

It just all felt so…work-ish. It felt like one more thing to do as the holidays approached. Years past, I would have stayed up until 2am to make sure no one was disappointed and crawl into work on fumes the next day. This year, however, I gave myself permission to let go of expectations from friends and family who normally get an update about our year.

The truth is that 2019 was about letting go of things and embracing changes as they came. I didn’t set out at the beginning of the year to do so. It wasn’t a new year’s resolution of any kind. I suck at those.  I wasn’t an easy year, by any means, but it WAS full of meaning. So, I thought I’d recap my year here to remind myself of the ways I did grow and let go.  Because it wasn’t ALL hard. There was beauty in the midst of challenges. I want to celebrate that. I want to go into 2020 being gentle with myself, understanding that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. I did my best.

In 2019,

We had some health challenges that were scary AND we took steps to make our health a priority. We also put some things in place that bring us peace should something happen to either of us. You know, sexy adult stuff.

I haven’t yet landed in a place professionally that I love AND I discovered that I have my ministry mojo back. Not only do I have my mojo again, I remember once again that I am talented. I’m actually called to ministry.

I stopped giving energy to people in my life who didn’t invest in me which brought about loss AND I deepened other friendships with others I’ve known many years and others who simply slipped into my tribe as if they had always been there.

We reached out for help with teenager anxiety (holy emotional labor) AND we celebrated their confirmations this spring. It’s been such a joy to have deeper conversations around faith & life with two amazing teens who are figuring out their own opinions, priorities & passions.

I struggled mightily with my depression & anxiety this year AND I began talking with someone biweekly in therapy which has been life giving and healing. I wanted to put a bandaid on a bullet hole, but I’m learning that sometimes we need to revisit the wounds of the past to move forward into what God is calling us toward.

We’ve struggled financially at times this year, basically living off one income AND we’ve been able to give generously to causes & people we love and care for.

I’ve engaged in amazing grassroots activism with several orgs that are important to me (I’m looking at you, Moms Demand Action!) AND I’ve made space for rest. I don’t beat myself up when I need to recharge instead of getting a few more things ticked off the to-do list.

I’ve experienced loss, walked with friends who have experienced loss AND I’ve celebrated love & babies & new adventures with people I love, too.

We’ve navigated difficult family relationships that have been hurtful at times AND we’ve built a wider circle of friends who now are our chosen family.

I’ve been discouraged about things in our country, how divided we’ve become AND I’ve intentionally poured into the places & causes that are fighting for equality & justice.

All along, growth burst forth from small seeds planted long before 2019. Another page in the story written long ago by a God who knows every hair on my head. Even the gray ones. I close this year thankful for His grace and steadfast love through the highs, the lows and everything in between. Because life is what happens on both sides of the AND.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future .” Jeremiah 29:11