Dear Lilly

Lilly,

Six long months you’ve been gone and you continue to make your mark on the world, my girl! People are hosting events in your honor to raise money for cancer research, your sweet face is all over my Facebook timeline as people see reminders of your beautiful spirit everywhere every day and Mommy and Daddy, they are educating everyone about how strong you and other warriors are, and spreading the word far and wide about how we can prevent other warriors like you going to see Jesus too soon.

You’d be so proud of your family, Lil. They are making sure that your fight was never in vain. Mommy and Daddy have shared really intimate looks into the world of parents who have critically sick children, they’ve shared videos and photos from days past that remind us what your giggle sounds like, how you liked to snuggle in your spot with “Goooobaaa”. They’ve created holy space for HayJ and Abby to talk about you and grieve for you, motivated others to get out there and spread awareness (and joy!) in your honor and continue to be each other’s best friends and support systems. I know you see all of that. I like to think you have a hand in it all, to be honest. You always were so in tune with others’ feelings, even when the whole room was worried about how YOU were feeling.

Over the last year, I knew I was going to make a permanent mark on my body, a sacred reminder of the permanent mark you’ve left on my heart and well, today was the day! I think you’d love it- I know how much you love accessories and this is my favorite!

There’s two parts to this tattoo that I chose. The first is the word “maintain”. Why would I choose such a boring word to mark my body? Well, this word carries alot of weight for me. When my kids leave the house, I have a standard saying that I repeat ALOT. I tell them, “Remember who you are and whose you are.” It’s my shortcut message to remind them to:

-remember who they are. Remember how to carry yourself, your character, your worth, your voice in the world.

-remember whose they are. Remember that you are a Hilbert, that you are a beloved child of God and loved beyond measure in this family.

As a child, my dad’s version of this was “Maintain.” Every time I walked out the door. Every single time. It was his way of saying the same thing. Keep a level head, make good choices, know that you are loved unconditionally. It’s one of the final things he said to me before he took his last breath. It has stuck with me my whole life, just as I hope my statement does with our kids.

These days, with many more years on my side and more experiences to draw from, it also reminds me to keep going even when it gets hard. It’s no secret for you, my girl, that this past year has been a tough one, full of  loss and heartbreak and hurt. But it’s also been a year of redemption and courage and faith. Maintain.

You’ll see I also added a blue ladybug because well, duh. I want a reminder that you are always with me. You would have giggled when the tattoo artist asked me two or three times, “A BLUE ladybug?” “Yep, it’s for my favorite warrior”, I told him. “Her name was Lillybug and she loved the color blue.” My tattoo artist, Michael, was sweet and let me tell him all about you while he worked. It helped me focus on you and not the sting of the needle.

The spot I chose, Lilly, was one with intention. I placed your ladybug where it is visible to me at all times. Each time I look down at my hands, I will see you. Feel you with me. But more than that, you are in a special place that gives me the opportunity to share your story with others. Each time I shake someone’s hand, make an introduction, point to something, someone may ask “Hey, what’s that blue ladybug about?” Girlie, sweet girlie, it will be my honor to share your story, your strong fighter spirit, with all I encounter for the rest of my days. I’ll tell them, “It’s for my hero, Lilly. Let me tell you a little something about her…”

My, oh my, will I have quite the story to share. I’ll love you forever, Lil and I’ll forever carry you in my heart and on my wrist. Miss you and love you madly, sweet face. Kiss Jesus for me and I’ll eagerly await my turn to show you in person my tattoo that carries a thousand memories and a shit ton of love. I just know you’ll giggle. I can’t wait to hear it again.