Phoenix Rising

I’m just going to say it. 2017 nearly did me in. It was the hardest year on the books in my life. It brought pain, betrayal, loss, grief and a depression I wasn’t sure would lift. Basically, it was a shit show.

I began 2017 working for a large church, leading a medium sized children’s ministry that I dreamed of leading for years. Where I once was excited to follow where God led me to be, I was experiencing self doubt and all encompassing exhaustion. Things were off. My values were hazy. My heart was weary.

I value relationship. I am, above all things, someone that God created to be in relationship. You are too. I humbly know that it is the greatest gift that God has placed in my heart. As much as I want to be known, to be heard, to be seen, I deeply want that for others, as well.  I want you to know that I know your name, your interests, your family. It’s the cornerstone of the ministry I was building. In fact, it was primary to the things we were teaching, that we were planning, that we were accomplishing.

I deeply believe that faith only comes through relationship. With God and with the church, the people in it. I can teach amazing bible stories and create cool, flashy props all day, but if a child or family feels unknown, unseen, or uncared for, We. Have. Missed. The. Mark.

I value vulnerability. Relationship doesn’t happen without it. Not real, true, meaningful relationship that shapes our faith, values and life. I share openly about the things I struggle with (you’ll learn more about that as you read my blog. Promise!) and I try to create the places where others can share their ideas, opinions and struggles along the way. I deeply yearn to follow those who practice this very ideal.

The thing is, 2017 was an exercise in denying those things in myself. I didn’t realize it at first. It was a slow burn. I was told that those things weren’t as important as I once thought they were. I adjusted. I flexed. I tried. And the thing is, the more I tried, the worse I felt about where I was headed. Who I was leading. Who I was being led by. What God wanted for me and my family.

I was working for someone wasn’t invested in me. Working beside someone who undermined just about everything I did professionally. Working in a toxic environment of suspicion, walking on eggshells and emotionally drained by the very leader I was trying to follow. All the while, trying to lead families and kids to Jesus. Except nothing about my job seemed to be about Jesus anymore. It was about numbers, pleasing out of touch leadership and denying myself the joy of simply being the me, the leader, that God created me to be.

And so, after a year of tears and effort and prayer and bending myself into a pretzel to be what I was told I needed to be, I left my ministry. Left the only church my children have ever known. Left a community behind that I had built my entire life around. It was one of the most painful things I’ve ever endured.

And yet…that wasn’t the lowest point of the year.

I value loyalty. No one has my loved one’s backs more than I do. If you are in my circle, friend or family, you have my unwavering loyalty and support. No questions asked. None. I’ll move mountains for those I love. And heaven help anyone who doesn’t value my loved ones the way I do. Over the past 3 years, I’ve been trying to support my cousin and family in Dallas as they were dealt a bad hand. In August, I learned that my cousin’s daughter, Lilly, who has been battling rhabomyosarcoma, a tissue cancer, since she was a year old, would officially begin her

Lilly and I, January 2018

4^th journey through chemo and radiation. That’s 3 long years of treatment this precious 4 year old had under her belt at that point, if you’re counting. Surgeries, over 100 procedures under anesthesia, chemo so potent it brought her to the brink, losing hair, radiation burns, the loss of her eyesight. You name it, this warrior has battled and fought like a champion. She’s endured more in her short life than most will ever see long into adulthood. By the end of the year, it was determined that the battle was over, the war lost and she entered hospice care. At four years old. 

And yet….that wasn’t the lowest point of the year.

In October, my mother in law, who has been a powerful influence in our family, a grandparent for the ages, a prayer warrior and faith leader for many, began experiencing weird medical symptoms that no doctors could really get ahold of. After several doctor’s appointments and our guidance, we finally convinced her to enter the hospital and what would follow would be a devastating diagnosis that took her in less than 3 weeks. Cancer everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In less than two weeks’ time, she wouldn’t know my son’s name, my husband’s face or where she was. And then she was gone. It shook us to the core. It’s the first loss my children remember and feel a void for deeply. We feel her absence constantly, as our 4 year old asks questions and wants to invite her to his school programs, as our older two preteens cry themselves to sleep and we try to navigate our own grief among them.

It seems we started the year grieving and ended it the same way. In all, it really kinda was a shit show. I personally struggled to hang onto my faith without a church community and processing significant illness and loss without the support we had come to depend on.

And then, we turned the page into 2018. A new year. A new beginning.

As I explored within myself all that transpired over the past year, I began to identify the things typed above. I plugged back into me, found myself again, began connecting to my faith again through doing bible study, listening to podcasts and watching sermons online as we explored churches in the area. I read books, a lot of books. 87 books between May and December, to be exact. I didn’t return to work, as I intended to, even though financially that wasn’t the smartest decision we ever made. Instead, I took some time for self care and rest. I took naps and didn’t apologize for it. I had days that were unproductive, something I couldn’t allow myself to do in the past. I practiced meditation. I watched more Netflix than is probably legal and I slowed down, something I don’t remember doing in.my.entire.life. And God carried us through. He prepared a way for us to financially manage my “time out” with my husband’s new career.

But after all that transpired, I also had to come face to face with a deep seeded fear I carried into the new year about trusting again. About courage.  As I prayed about that for months, I read a quote by Brene Brown that I had read many times before, but this time, it was if God was pointing at it on a big, neon flashing sign that read:

And that’s where this blog was born. I’m taking a leap back into vulnerability and courage. This will be a place where I share vulnerably, process some hard stuff and ask questions. It will be

Messy.

Authentic.

Uncomfortable at times.

But I’m committed to the journey. Join me. 2018 is my phoenix rising.

To all who mourn in Israel,  he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3