Transitions

All over social media for the last year, I saw “Senior Sunday” posts from parents who were sharing pictures their thoughts about this stage of parenting coming to an end as their high school seniors graduate. I don’t begrudge any parent in their celebration or lamenting this milestone, we’re all doing the best we can.

But me? I kept waiting for the melancholy to set in as we toured campuses, bought graduation gowns, supported them as they filled out applications & made decisions about their futures.  Was it bittersweet? Absolutely. What drowned out the bittersweet? Excitement. Assurance. Pride.

My constant thought throughout the last year? How incredibly ready they are to take on the world. What a gift it is that I get to be on the sidelines cheering them on.

I was asked multiple times over the last year as we reached new milestones, “did you cry?” And the truth is? I didn’t. Senior photos? Nope. Graduation ceremony? No tears. College tours & acceptance letters? Tear ducts dry as a bone.

<Insert an inappropriate joke here about how I’m dead inside, you know you want to.>

I started wondering if that made me a bad parent. Why am I not emotional like the other parents? Why do I not feel the dread I hear other friends expressing about this next milestone? Is there something wrong that I don’t cry at the very thought?

And then, the night before they left for college, I sat down at my kitchen table to tell them what I knew to be true…they are ready. And the tears finally came. Hot, salty tears of gratitude & excitement for all that is to come. Not about all that has come to pass. But what is ahead. The bright futures in front of them. The world at their feet.

Will I miss the pitter pat of little feet? Not really. I lived that stage fully. In neon. Las Vegas lights. I have twins, for God’s sake.

Do I want to go back to elementary school class parties & play doh & playdates? Nope. If I am lucky enough, I will get to do that again in another phase of life, as a grandma.

<Full disclosure: I have a tween at home, so I’m not an empty nester.>

Now, you should also know that I’m a Gen X kid. A Gen X kid who was in the throes of significant trauma when I left for college, just months after my Dad died. I was raised on hose water & Sally Jessy Raphael. Straight up feral.

Looking back on that time in my life, I have always wished I had someone to share their wisdom with me as I set out on my own. Would I have listened? Well, that’s not really the point, ok? <insert Gen X side eye>  I took some liberties and shared some things I wanted them to know as they embarked on their best adventure yet. On paper. In my handwriting. Something they can tangibly pull out & connect with through the years. They’ll remember that they didn’t have a sad mom, eyes full of tears, who would make them going to college about her. About “loss” or weird guilt about moving onto a new life as adults. I didn’t feel those things. This was 100% about them. Their success. Their goals.

So, sitting at my kitchen table the night before they set off into the world as “adults” (this is hilarious to me) with tears streaming down my face, I sat down & wrote them each a letter to be sure that my kiddos knew that WE know that they’re ready.

The message I had for each of them? You got this! We believe in you!

Full stop.

And so, as a proud momma, I share with the world the contents of those letters (in part, because privacy, bruh). I hope it will be an encouragement to you, too. My kiddos are amazing, here is what I shared with them:

XXXXX,

Here you go! Onto your biggest adventure yet and I hope you’ll indulge me for the sake of this letter as I put to paper all the things (or most of them, anyway!) I hope you’ll carry with you into your bright, exciting future.

If you hear nothing else in this letter, be sure to take note of this: I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU. You amaze me daily as you live out loud fully who you are and want to become. I consider myself the luckiest Mom in the world to call you mine, to introduce myself to the world as “XXXXX’s Mom” and consider it a privilege to watch from the sidelines as you grow into who you were meant to be. Fully, unapologetically YOU. What beauty there is in that! And you know what else? Not only do I love you madly, I LIKE you. Not all parents of teenagers can say that!

I know you may be overwhelmed with all of the changes coming at what seems like 100mph. Feeling alllll the feelings is totally normal but I do think it’s important that you know that Dad & I absolutely know that you’re ready. In the coming days or weeks that you may tell yourself that you aren’t, remember to show up for you and do it scared. You can do hard things!

Now, super cringey Mom stuff. Here are some of the things I wish someone would have told me as I left home and began creating a life in college. Here goes:

-Build your life for YOU. Not for us or anyone else, not even those with the best intentions or advice. The playing field from high school evens out in college. You’re all on page 1 of your story so make sure you’re writing the story your heart dictates. Trust your intuition. You have everything you need inside yourself. Don’t chase perfection or anyone else’s expectations- that’s a fool’s errand. Challenge yourself though-stretch yourself a bit. You’re capable, but you’re not in competition with anyone else but you.

-Get involved. You’re not chasing a degree, you’re chasing a future life for yourself. Yes, academics are important but that piece of paper at graduation doesn’t create a life. The relationships you make, the experiences and memories you have at school will, however. Try something new- a new food, a new path to class, a new hobby…just explore and discover new things about yourself along the way.

Yes, academics are important but that piece of paper at graduation doesn’t create a life. The relationships you make, the experiences and memories you have at school will, however.

-Find your tribe. Don’t assume what you knew about the world at home is what you’ll find in XXX or beyond. Smile at the cute person on the bus, introduce yourself to people in the elevator, include others and remind yourself often that being human is messy. It’s messy but it’s worth it to meet new people who will expand the world for you.

-Be curious & uncomfortable. Ask questions, learn to be wrong, say no without apology, set boundaries and know that it’s ok to change your mind. If you make it to the other side of college unchanged, or not changed for the better, then you didn’t learn the most important stuff…all of which will happen outside of your classes, your books or your goals.

-Take up as much space as you want. In all the places & spaces. Don’t ever make yourself smaller for someone else’s comfort. It’s important that you never abandon yourself because others can’t do the same. You are quite literally building the plane as you fly it, so invest your energy in YOU. And be sure to let other people do that work for themselves because if you don’t, you deny them the same opportunity to become fully who they are called to be.

-Take care of yourself without apology. You have many years ahead of you so pace yourself and listen to your body. It will tell you what it needs. Develop that skill. Ask for what you need & be persistent. One no is not a forever no. Feed your body brain food, take breaks, hydrate. You hold your health in your hands so take it seriously. It all catches up with you in the end. Check in with your body throughout the day. Am I thirsty? Do I need to stretch? Should I go to sleep earlier tonight? Do I need to take a social media break? Take some space from that person? Listen. To. Your. Body.

-Take intentional steps to find your passions, your interests & the things that make you come alive. The money & the career will follow. Give yourself permission to change your mind and take time to really explore things that don’t sit right with your gut. Are you unsure of your path? Doubts are normal, don’t let anyone else tell you differently. Just be sure not to make any rash decisions and ask for help if you need to talk it out with someone.

-Time is your greatest resource. Be present with those in front of you. Put energy and time into the people, places & things that serve your soul, not just your goals. Surround yourself with people who are driven, ambitious & work hard. You become who you surround yourself with- you feed off of one another. So be sure to release the things that no longer serve you. You don’t have to hang onto any one life raft longer than it takes to get back to shore. Let it go. And don’t distract yourself from your feelings. Take the time to understand them and invest time in your own personal work. “Stuff” doesn’t simply disappear, it shows up in places & relationships down the road. Do take the time to do the work.

You don’t have to hang onto any one life raft longer than it takes to get back to shore.

– And lastly, be of service to the world and community. It’s really why we’re on this big, spinning rock…to find our purpose, love others & serve. Consider how your choices affect others but shrug off the weight of their opinions & expectations. Everyone you meet has a lesson to teach you and you them so make sure you leave them better than when you found them.

My XXXXX, what joy I have to be part of your journey, to walk alongside you as you go change the world. I was born anew the day you and XXXXX took your first breaths. I couldn’t be more grateful and I love you madly. Cheers!

Love your face,

Momma